|Translation by Chably|
Way back when I was in college, I knew this other CPU who went by the handle Japotoeigo and whose dream was to become an on-demand translator for one of the many streaming video sites, such as Youtube or Youtube Red. It's too bad he spent most of the time partying it up, injecting himself with benign trojans or programming himself into an infinite loop, until one of us in the dorm would Ctrl-Brk his sad ass out of it. He never made it past the first semester and I never heard from him again. I'm glad he was able to find work, even if it's just translating old Famicom ROM dumps. The intro to Final Armageddon is a masterpiece of pure machine translation and plays out like a good bad B-movie.
|Umm... what you say?|
That's not the whole intro either, it goes on for some time but all you need to know is humans died, demons appeared, and aliens and robots are trying to take over the world. Unfortunately, the bad translation carries over to the game's spell list as well, with words seemingly picked at random, though some of them are pretty obvious.
|I couldn't even begin to tell you the number|
of times I used turkey to cure poison.
A party of four demons are sent out to stop the aliens by any means necessary, probably via punching. The "demons" all come from classic Terran lore, with cyclops and orcs freely mixing it up with minotaurs and goblins. The overworld is strewn with stone slabs, which replace the NPCs usually found, and whose hints and story building are completely ruined by the translation process. At least that's what I thought until I realized that the slates actually contained the lyrics to an awesome 80s rock ballad!
|♪ Wicked guitar solo with sweet arpeggios ♫|
As bad as the translation is, the guts of the game are quite meaty and delicious. Each character has five base stats, each of which increase with usage — a system I prefer over static or random increases. My demons have great fun when there's a single opponent and they just sit there, defending away and laughing most evilly, while the hapless foe misses every attack. In addition to magic, most demons have special attacks as well, which do more damage than normal. There doesn't appear to be a limit on how often one can utilize these specials, so I'm assuming that they do not count as experience towards raising stats. As if all of this wasn't enough already, certain demons can do jobs outside of combat, including clairvoyance to display a world map, and creation of weapons, armour, and items. Yes, that's right, there are no stores in LA, just a trusty ol' goblin building stuff and fueled entirely by gold. From time to time, demons will also merge with some other creature. Sometimes it's some random creature I've never seen before, other times it's another member of the party. Whatever the source, it always ends in a frenzied orgy of flailing limbs and tentacles so vile and disgusting that I can barely masterbate to it.
|Well, perhaps barely is too strong a word.|
The mating results in the first demon changing into a sweet new sprite. It doesn't seem to affect the stats at all, but it does sometimes alter the creature's special attacks. The most unique aspect of party management took me totally by surprise. When the sun rises each day, the regular demonic group of "DarkOnes" swap out for a party of daytime demons. Since the swap operates on a timer, this adds a whole new dimension to managing the party. Properly implemented, this can be a huge boon, with a fresh party coming in to replace the exhausted one. On the other hand, it can also work against the player if they've forgotten to make sure that the secondary group is near the main demon cave in order to heal the hurt group when the swap occurs (like I have twice already). The only downside is that both groups are almost statistically identical to each other but have differing sprites.
|Say hi to the "good" guys.|
My merry band of demons have just completed their first quest, involving raiding four alien camps and acquiring their ID Chips in order to gain access to a mothership. The last pleasant surprise that Final Armageddon tossed my way here was switching to a first-person dungeon crawler and giving me a little mapping exercise. It's tough going, though, as the fights are hella hard (especially when they outnumber us two to one and have surprise) and healing is hard to come by. Only one member on each team has a healing spell (obviously called Shelout), it's MP expensive, and it heals like shit. Granted, I haven't played with the item creation yet (been focusing on armour), so I'll probably be bitching about how there's too much healing by next post.